Kids and Grief
One of the great privileges of my work supporting young people through bereavement.
Whether dealing with the deaths of cousins, siblings, parents or grandparents, it is heartening to see the variety of ways in which kids cope. I’ve been surprised at how sometimes kids can more easily talk about what’s happened than adults. In group work, I have seen that kids even, dare I say, enjoy talking with each other. From details like how their loved ones died, to how funerals went, to how they hoped to remember their special person... kids range from sad and stuck, to creative and energetic, especially as they discover it is okay to talk about diverse reactions.
I see lots of big feelings, not just around the losses themselves, but how adults might interfere with their natural ability to make sense of their losses in their own ways, often out of a hope to protect their kids from the worst of death and grief experiences.
If anything, I notice kids wish everyone would talk about it more, from parents, to friends and teachers -- but they also want to days where they prefer to pretend the death hasn’t happened, and that they are still "normal."
I think it's important to be honest with kids that sometimes we grown-ups are not very good at talking about the big feelings of grief. We need to work on our own abilities: to listen to their feelings, their worries, their beliefs — and to recognize theirs may be different from ours. Kids need to have all their feelings and ideas, and not be indadvertently shut down because they fear triggering our hurt.
Of course, the death of a special person, or even hearing of a death on the news, forces the realization that we're all going to die -- an uncomfortable thought that we grown-ups don't like to dwell on either. Depending on the circumstances of the death, kids realize it can come out of nowhere... or it can be slow and difficult. It raises questions of what happens after we die, and will I lose someone else who is important to me?
We adults have lots of work to do helping our kids become familiar with, and comfortable talking about, death and grief. It would be an important contribution to Ontario's health ed curriculum. The wide variety of cultural and religious beliefs on the subject shouldn't be an impediment to such education -- in fact, the sheer variety of beliefs helps us see the ways in which our own personal style helps or hinders us in our own healing through grief.
Many people have written more eloquently than I on kids and grief, and there are incredible resources out there.
On the internet
If you're in the Toronto area and seeking direct support for a grieving child, you would be in wonderful hands at Dr. Jay's Children's Grief Centre, and attending their wonderful Camp Erin. UPDATE MAY, 2021: Dr. Jay’s is no longer in operation. Resources may remain online for some time.
Andrea Warnick was instrumental in developing the online resource kidsgrief.ca, where you'll find information tailored to support kids of all ages throughout death, dying and grief.
I am also grateful to the work of social worker Liana Lowenstein in the Toronto area and have used many of her activities with grieving children, and has some good articles on her site.
Heidi Stevens wrote a thoughtful piece in the ChicagoTribune about helping kids support friends who have experienced the death of a loved one. She quotes psychologist John Duffy, who recommends a frank discussion about what we do, as a family, to support grieving friends.
If you prefer books
To really help kids learn how to grieve (and adults too), Tear Soup is an excellent storybook and resource.
Schwiebert, P., DeKlyen, C., & Bills, T. (2015). Tear soup: a recipe for healing after loss. Portland, OR: Grief Watch.
Thanks to my insightful, young friend Kole for inspiring me to put down a few thoughts on the subject.