A brief grief reading list

Before we talk about grief, it's really helpful to understand the difference between grief, bereavement and mourning. Here's one disambiguation from Kimberlee Bow.   Whereas grief is the label we give to our inward feelings and thoughts about a death, mourning is the way we express that outwardly, in ways that others can see and share in. Bereavement refers to the period of time in which grief and mourning occur. 

Each element of losing someone can and should be expressed in ways that work for you. Unlike our simplified cultural takeaways from the work of Elisabeth Kübler-Ross's "On Death and Dying", grief is not a universally-consistent, staged process that comes to a definitive end. How we experience grief changes as time passes, and perhaps we should not ever want to stop missing our loved one. The idea of 'getting over it' and 'moving on' are very particular to Western cultures. You may find solace in the ways in which grief has been honoured by cultures across time. 

You may also find the concept of STUGS, from Therese Rando, helpful to understanding how grief evolves. "Subsequent Temporary Upswelling of Grief" helps explain why we can be ambushed by grief long after a death by particular memories, items, or occasions. No, you're not losing your mind -- you've been STUGGED. More on that from Maureen Hunter. 

I am also a huge fan of Narrative Therapy, and in particular of the grief practices developed by Lorraine Hedtke, who emphasizes that relationships don't end when a person dies. You can find more information on her philosophy here. Note, her books are fairly academic and not aimed at the casual reader. But even reading this brief description, you can imagine developing some ways of honouring someone who has died whenever your grief becomes overwhelming. Start by lighting a candle and honouring the loss, and create your own ways of remembering, or "re/membering" from there. The notion is that we don't ever have to say goodbye to someone, that our relationship with them changes after death, and that's okay. This is a consoling notion when, if you're like me, you find yourself chatting with a loved one in your head long after they've died. But it's true, my grandmother really gave great advice. Perhaps it's not foolish to want to continue to seek her opinion. 

Finally, while it's not specific to grief, Ira Byock's work on The Four Conversations can be a helpful tool for grief work around complicated relationships. Imagine having those conversations with the person who has died, or using them as a starting point to journal letters to the person who has died. I forgive you for... /Forgive ME for... Thank you for... I love you... Goodbye...